Loose Lips

A while back I pondered a hypothetical alternative to the show ‘Loose Women’, where one of the principle indices of the show was flipped on its head.  Obviously ‘Constricted Woman’ would make for great TV; Im sure many would tune in to witness Carol McGiffin hark about how old she is from one of those pet-carrying boxes or to see if Denise Welch’s inexplicable self-satisfaction was still noticeable with her inside a bin.  Clearly it wasn’t the geographical axis of the show that I toyed with, but the gender- ‘Wild Boys’ possibly, or maybe ‘Loose Lads’.  Not the butchest of titles I concede, but just imagine the fallout of such a show. 

As it happens this imaginary show has actually been going on under our noses for years, using the pseudonym ‘Ford Football Special’ or ‘Monday Night Football’, just to keep us guessing.  Rather than use the same format as the gals over at ‘Loose Women’ though, ‘Loose Lads is comprised of a collection of YouTube clips and charming sound bytes garnered from hosts Andy Gray and Richard Keys, whilst off the air.

With Gray sacked from the show and Keys leaving, I assume Sky don’t agree with the avant-garde, off-air format of the show.  Yes, that’s it.  Sky like their sexism nice and overt, you know, with guests reaching into Georgie Thompson’s box and/or chest on Soccer A.M before they bring out that week’s Soccerette to jump up and down on a trampoline.  None of this off-mic stuff; where’s the balls in that?  It also hasn’t gone unnoticed that a pre-requisite for aspiring female presenters on Sky Sports News seems to be the capacity to coax an erection from Jim White.  I might be way off the mark; it might be a coincidence they're all desperately beautiful and dressed to kill; a very sexy coincidence indeed.  Somehow though, I don’t think Keys and Gray alone should be blamed for creating a “boy’s club” at Sky. The hypocrisy!

Naturally the whole hullabaloo has been covered from pillar to post.  If the term ‘two cents’ was a literal one, there’d be enough in the pot to fund testosterone replacement therapy for Sian Massey, in order for her to adopt a male persona and befriend Keys and Gray without them knowing her true female identity.  Years later, after gaining their trust, she would follow each into a pub toilet, wrestle them to the ground and proceed to shaft them with a linesman’s flag whilst whispering an explanation of the offside rule in their ear over and over and over.

At least that’s what the ‘Loose Women’ would have happen judging by the damning endictements dished out by panelists. For those of you who haven’t seen Loose Women (I have to sit through it on my lunch break), it involves the lovely, intelligent hostess Andrea introducing current affairs for the girls to discuss; which they do, briefly, until it inevitably descends into a competition between Carol and Denise over who farted the most on a night out or who’s most desperate for a shag, leaving Andrea banging her head against the desk.  So much for girl power. 

Anyway, another recurring theme of the show is mild to medium sexism, ranging from the standard stereotypes: manflu, shit at housework, etc. to Carol Mcgiffin offering to pay Russell Brand for sex.  There are staunch differences between the sexism on ‘Loose Women’ and what was said by Richard Keys and Andy Gray.  To question a woman’s professionalism because of her sex, without a hint of irony, is so bad it’s almost funny.  There’s no doubt that it is far worse than what goes on during ‘Loose Women’, however the other key difference is that what was said, was said off-air.

Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t really care less if Keys and Gray were banished from the media forever. In fact I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if they were caged in with the chimps at Chester Zoo, where they could sit contently at the top of the monkey hierarchy, slinging poo at the inferior female chimps without fear of reparation.  But if we’re going to allow there to be a grey area, what’s the point? Either sack anyone who has said anything remotely sexist, ever, or have done with it and stick Richard and Andy on the telly with Carol and Denise until they kill, or more likely, shag each other.  Have Attenborough narrate the thing.  Just an idea.

Happy New Year!!

The Christmas period has seen any pensivity and creativity I may or may not possess hampered by a drawn out drinking binge and multiple hangovers- LAD- hence the lack of posts.  The annual attempt to cut back on allsorts will hopefully provide some respite and posting will ensue next year.  Despite all the goings on at Ewood I've kept quiet so far as things keep changing so fast, usurping the relevance of any blog posts I have started before they are finished.  January beckons and with it comes the transfer window which should provide some answers to the speculators, conspiracy theorists, pessimists and optimists alike.

Thanks to those who have taken their time to have a read so far in 2010; I promise MoonUnderWater will be much better run in 2011 so please return.  However for the unforgiving out there, you'll find http://gradulthood.blogspot.com/ a much tighter ship, whose crew give a light-hearted account of life after Uni.  If on the other hand you're seeking something even less regular than MUW, try http://northernsould.blogspot.com/, where posts are rarer than rocking-horse shit but are brilliant to make up for it.

Have a great New Year

UFC 124

I love a bit of evangelism! Not in a Christian sense, (Jesus is a bit overrated to be honest- although he is due for a comeback. God is steady away.) I mean in life in general.  It’s not everyone’s favourite character trait, but I like telling other people about stuff that I like and that they probably don’t care about.  Seriously, sometimes I feel like I have to stop myself from grabbing a billboard, donning a flannel shirt complete with sweat patches and yelling at old people on Leeds high street about the prowess of Michael Essien or Di Caprio’s sensational accent in Blood Diamond.  The old romantics amongst us might call it being passionate, whereas the pragmatics would label it as some form of narcissism. I prefer the romantics- the soppy bastards.

I’m not going to make any attempt in censoring myself when it comes to UFC 124; if you’ve ever had even the faintest curiosity towards watching MMA, this is the time to act! Numerous fight cards this year have not lived up to their expectations and countless fights that were nailed on to be ‘Knockout of the night’ or ‘Fight of the Night’ have fallen short of the hype.  Not to jinx it, but I think UFC 124 will have it all and with any luck, the fights will do exactly what they say on the tin.  With that in mind, I’m going to preview my picks for the best fights of the night, along with the main events. I implore you to watch…besides, what else are you going to do at 4am on a Sunday morning?

Preview and Predictions

GEORGES ST PIERRE V JOSH KOSCHECK

Some people enjoy a nice bottle of wine to relax; others might partake in a long-walk now and again. Personally, I enjoy watching the look on the face of [insert elite wrestlers name here] when they’re just about to be dumped on their head by GSP.  As highly skilled a wrestler as St-Pierre is, I do not buy the way Koscheck and the UFC have tried to sell this fight as ‘wrestler v knockout-artist’.  Let’s be clear, GSP is the one with the striking background and Kos the wrestling background.  Knocking out Dustin Hazelett, Frank Trigg and Yoshida does not make you an elite striker, but unfortunately for Koscheck, taking down Hughes, Fitch, Sherk and…well… Koscheck at will does mean GSP has earned his moniker as MMA’s most effective wrestler.

In the standing portion of this fight, expect Kos the look for that looping right hand repeatedly.  I think St Pierre will capitalise on Koscheck’s winging style and certainly any over-aggressiveness with his trademark straight punches and mechanical accuracy.  The role of Freddie Roach in GSP’s preparations has probably been beefed up a little and I don’t expect any drastic changes to his hand-speed or movement, but I wouldn’t be surprised if St-Pierre drops Kos with a straight right like the one that he slipped through to Fitch in the first round of their fight.

The key to this fight is how Kos’ wrestling pedigree both offensively and defensively will fare against St Pierre’s, because to have a say in the fight, he needs to have a say in where the fight takes place.  If he can manage to stuff GSP’s devastating double-leg, he can go after that power right hand, however I think his best chance will be if he can put Georges on his back, which as we saw in the first fight, isn’t an impossibility.

If Kos’ wrestling cannot match up then he is in for a bad night. GSP in my eyes is the far superior jiu-jitsu player, especially from top position where he will look to show the fans he can finish where he couldn’t in the Hardy fight.  Something interesting to consider is GSP’s training in London with BJJ icon Roger Gracie. No doubt he will have been in awe of Gracie’s trademark rear-naked choke, while eagerly taking notes.

For me, GSP edges the stand-up with his technicality and seamlessly transitions to take Josh Koscheck down at will as we have seen time and again against top wrestlers.  GSP via rear-naked choke-3^rd round

STRUVE V McCORKLE

The less said about this fight’s status as a co-main event, the better. How someone can jump from the local circuit, beat Mark Hunt and then land a spot in the penultimate fight of the night while Gerald Harris and Todd Duffee scratch their heads is beyond me.  Politics aside, I’ll round this up quick; Struve is wild and exciting but takes far too much punishment.  McCorkle (from the little I have seen of him) dishes out punishment and is a monster.  With this simple equation in mind I’ll go McCORKLE via TKO-2^nd round

BOCEK V HAZELETT

Hopefully this fight will be televised as I think it’s got an outside chance of being fight of the night. I’m eagerly anticipating a fast, technical ground war with lots of submission attempts, although when two top grapplers meet in the UFC it usually means we get a sloppy kickboxing match.

If this fight does go to the ground we might not see too many sweeps or reversals as Hazelett likes to fight off his back.  The effectiveness of using this approach against top grapplers has been questioned by some and I’m sure Bocek will be all too happy assuming top position and looking to land some ground and pound and trying to take the back.

Whether the fight stays standing or goes to the ground it will be a war, with Bocek attempting to show his relevancy in the division after a loss to Miller, while Hazelett will be desperate to avoid losing three on the bounce. Bocek via Decision

ALVES V HOWARD

Surely everyone’s pick for KO of the night? Since the disappointment of Guillard v Stephens fight I’ve been shy to over-hype a stand-up war but this one will not go the distance.  Alves is the better striker here and despite Howard’s respectable wrestling ability, I doubt he’ll be able to put Alves on his back if he’s taking a beating.  I think ‘Pitbull’ will devastate Howard with leg-kicks and shots to the body.  Alves via KO-3^rd round

Swop Idol

If I’ve learned anything over the past week or so, it’s that domestic floods and poor plumbing slow progress. Had Hitler’s plumber been equally incompetent while fitting the Fuhrer’s washer-dryer, the push into Poland might have been delayed, possibly followed by a change of plans, maybe even a career change. We’ll never know. Anyway, due to the aforementioned delay the first blog post will seem like an artefact in relation to current affairs but give it a chance; it contains almost zero racism (no thanks to plumbers).



The emotional lexicon of the football fan seldom strays from anticipation- then the inevitable anger or frustration that follows. Those lucky enough to support a successful team (or Arsenal) might boast ‘elation’ as a mainstay in their emotive schedule.  For the rest of us this feeling of joy exists as a faint imprint on the mind, clear enough that we drag our weary souls onto the match every other week in the hope of a rare reminder, yet weak enough that the rhetoric and mindset of the fan remains inherently gloomy.

Last week, for many Rovers fans, the usual mid-week anticipation was replaced by a collective sadness with the passing of the original ‘Mr Blackburn Rovers’ and former England captain, Ronnie Clayton.  It’s a bizarre thing when a generation of fans (myself included) mourn a player they have never witnessed kick a ball; though the reaction is not superficial.  A player with almost 600 caps for any club will get a hero’s send off, but it was his character and adoration for the club which set him apart; he was a true gentleman.  The ‘one-club man’ and indeed ‘the gentleman’ are a rare breed in football, but it is players like this that give the average football follower a bit more joy.

Fast-forward a week and your man Joey Barton is distributing a sterling liver-shot to the ever feminine Morten Gamst Pedersen….

 Not to go off on a tangent (though I will), but Chris Hughton’s response to the rigmarole was to criticise the media for overreacting just because it was Joey Barton. Sorry Chris but you’re cause-and-effect radar is well off; the media furore IS just because it’s Joey Barton…. Because he keeps punching people! Were Ian Huntley released tomorrow and on his departure he flashed a group of Brownies in the prison car park, I expect the subsequent reaction would be just. Anyway, before I start sounding like The Sun with all this paedo chit-chat, I’ll continue.

….. I’m not so naïve as to make a direct comparison between Joey Barton and Ronnie Clayton. Analogously, Clayton would be the shining halo and Barton would be the gammy toenail (if the analogy of professional football was some sort of athlete’s foot riddled, angel Gabriel-type figure), they are two ends of the spectrum.  It does though, seem as if the Joey Barton incident is the cherry on top of a year of misdemeanours, scandals and huge wage rises which have gone some way in disassociating players from the fans even more than before.  

I have never liked cats (a little off topic again), and I put this down to the fact that they lack some of my favourite human characteristics such as warmth and affection.  In reality, it is not the cats fault and I am the idiot for expecting cats to embody human traits.  Maybe modern footballers are the same and they are that far removed from normal human beings that we cannot expect them to act accordingly; neither can we expect them to be ‘role-models’ (whatever that means) or ‘idols’.

The money in football means for us smaller clubs, any quality fan-favourite will be moved onward and upward to wealthier pastures tout de suite.  The Wayne Rooney saga shows that even players who have reached the pinnacle of football may have no real attachment with the club or fans.  I still enjoy watching football but the lack of connection with anyone on the pitch makes those moments of joy even fewer and farther between.  I’m thankful that Blackburn are a Premier League club and that the new owners might bring in some bigger names, but offer me a Simon Garner or a Ronnie Clayton any day of the week and I’d bite your hand off!

'Nil Points'

Is it just me or were the 5+ hours build up to the announcement of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups unnecessary. After all, it was a fore-gone conclusion that FIFA would just follow the money. 

In a week where Wikileaks has thrown out more scandals than soft Mick, the biggest cable of them all was Sepp Blatter.  If the ‘home of football’ is Zurich as he mentioned multiple times, then I invented the Swiss army knife. Obviously I didn’t, only Switzerland is capable of producing tools of this magnitude.  In the words of Ian Holloway ‘some complete person’ decided it is perfectly acceptable for 22 pensioners to decide the fate of a tournament which generates billions of pounds for the host country. In the end not even David Beckham was good-looking enough to charm the oligarchy or reverse hours of off-the-record chats and brown envelope passing.

I’m not overly patriotic and would’ve been just as happy for Holland/Belgium or Spain/Portugal to get the nod as it’s an easy trip to make with not much risk of getting our heads kicked in.  The thing that riles me about the whole thing is how blatantly wrong the system and for that matter FIFA is.  I can understand the Russia decision despite the months of whispers and murmurs of corruption (and the fact Roman Abramovich was sat right there), but Qatar 2022? Give me a break! I imagine Richard Chaplow is delighted he isn’t good enough to play for England as his complexion simply couldn’t handle the 40º heat.

Perhaps the discovery of oil in the Falklands today might go some way in bolstering the next bid, but for now I think as a nation we just have to accept we don’t do well in voting systems.  They should’ve let Wogan present.