Loose Lips

A while back I pondered a hypothetical alternative to the show ‘Loose Women’, where one of the principle indices of the show was flipped on its head.  Obviously ‘Constricted Woman’ would make for great TV; Im sure many would tune in to witness Carol McGiffin hark about how old she is from one of those pet-carrying boxes or to see if Denise Welch’s inexplicable self-satisfaction was still noticeable with her inside a bin.  Clearly it wasn’t the geographical axis of the show that I toyed with, but the gender- ‘Wild Boys’ possibly, or maybe ‘Loose Lads’.  Not the butchest of titles I concede, but just imagine the fallout of such a show. 

As it happens this imaginary show has actually been going on under our noses for years, using the pseudonym ‘Ford Football Special’ or ‘Monday Night Football’, just to keep us guessing.  Rather than use the same format as the gals over at ‘Loose Women’ though, ‘Loose Lads is comprised of a collection of YouTube clips and charming sound bytes garnered from hosts Andy Gray and Richard Keys, whilst off the air.

With Gray sacked from the show and Keys leaving, I assume Sky don’t agree with the avant-garde, off-air format of the show.  Yes, that’s it.  Sky like their sexism nice and overt, you know, with guests reaching into Georgie Thompson’s box and/or chest on Soccer A.M before they bring out that week’s Soccerette to jump up and down on a trampoline.  None of this off-mic stuff; where’s the balls in that?  It also hasn’t gone unnoticed that a pre-requisite for aspiring female presenters on Sky Sports News seems to be the capacity to coax an erection from Jim White.  I might be way off the mark; it might be a coincidence they're all desperately beautiful and dressed to kill; a very sexy coincidence indeed.  Somehow though, I don’t think Keys and Gray alone should be blamed for creating a “boy’s club” at Sky. The hypocrisy!

Naturally the whole hullabaloo has been covered from pillar to post.  If the term ‘two cents’ was a literal one, there’d be enough in the pot to fund testosterone replacement therapy for Sian Massey, in order for her to adopt a male persona and befriend Keys and Gray without them knowing her true female identity.  Years later, after gaining their trust, she would follow each into a pub toilet, wrestle them to the ground and proceed to shaft them with a linesman’s flag whilst whispering an explanation of the offside rule in their ear over and over and over.

At least that’s what the ‘Loose Women’ would have happen judging by the damning endictements dished out by panelists. For those of you who haven’t seen Loose Women (I have to sit through it on my lunch break), it involves the lovely, intelligent hostess Andrea introducing current affairs for the girls to discuss; which they do, briefly, until it inevitably descends into a competition between Carol and Denise over who farted the most on a night out or who’s most desperate for a shag, leaving Andrea banging her head against the desk.  So much for girl power. 

Anyway, another recurring theme of the show is mild to medium sexism, ranging from the standard stereotypes: manflu, shit at housework, etc. to Carol Mcgiffin offering to pay Russell Brand for sex.  There are staunch differences between the sexism on ‘Loose Women’ and what was said by Richard Keys and Andy Gray.  To question a woman’s professionalism because of her sex, without a hint of irony, is so bad it’s almost funny.  There’s no doubt that it is far worse than what goes on during ‘Loose Women’, however the other key difference is that what was said, was said off-air.

Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t really care less if Keys and Gray were banished from the media forever. In fact I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if they were caged in with the chimps at Chester Zoo, where they could sit contently at the top of the monkey hierarchy, slinging poo at the inferior female chimps without fear of reparation.  But if we’re going to allow there to be a grey area, what’s the point? Either sack anyone who has said anything remotely sexist, ever, or have done with it and stick Richard and Andy on the telly with Carol and Denise until they kill, or more likely, shag each other.  Have Attenborough narrate the thing.  Just an idea.